I see rain...

‘I hate you father, I hate you for leaving me!’ Timmy hissed quietly to himself. I am so mad! I am so angry! Mum does not understand! He clenched and unclenched his fists as he beat on the ground. I am my own man and no one but me knows what’s best for me. I have lived my life alone without a father. It is that boarding school that has done this to me. Where were you then, eh Mum? I was only twelve and you left me so far away in the hills away from everyone I knew. He came to visit me only once, that was all and then he left us, dying away so easily without seeing me grow up to be a man.
The crickets were out for the night their humming noise persistent in his ears. Timmy listened to them, sitting up and staring at the town from the small hill. No one listens, no one wants to understand! Grand mum said focus on what you want to achieve and ignore what is around you. That is what I have done. Dad said to become successful in life try all things, be open to all things and you shall find your path. This is what I have been doing. But why am I so angry all the time? You don’t understand Mum, I know you care but you don’t understand! I can fight like you, I have fought like you, I have stood up to those who tried to challenge me, to defeat me Mum, I am like you! Grand Mum said put everything in prayer and God would answer. I have done that but why am I so angry all the time?
Timmy watched the streets and the children as they played, ignoring the dark and entertaining the night. I am a king in this city Mum you should see me dance. I have a following and girls love me. Then why do I change and become so destructive wanting to hit out at things? He stood up and placed his hands in his pockets, Mum would have calmed down by now. I shall go to my room when I enter the house and say nothing until tomorrow hopefully by then she should be calm and we can talk again.
Timmy walked behind the houses avoiding the excrement that had been left by dogs. He shut his senses to the smell as he retraced his steps to their home a mile away. Eventually he was in the neighborhood, his shoulders raised and moving more rhythmically, if anyone is watching, I am still a man.

Finding me...

When I got to the gates the first time and said who I was, it wasn’t whom I was but who I thought they wanted to hear it was. No doubt I got through, as this did not depend on me still though I remained lost. I could barely find the switch in this dark room. When I got to the gates the second time I said whom I was yet I wasn’t convinced of whether that would get me through. I made it though as it was fate that I was destined to. Still I wondered about that darn pest called doubt. Why on earth did I doubt myself, did I do something wrong?
When I got to the gates the third time around I said who I was and believed it from within. I got through as the two times before because it was fate. The difference is that this time from without and within I knew it was me bright lights and no doubt.
The truth is fate gets us through not by our power or our thoughts. However how we live is down to whom we believe we are from within and without. This is always a good place to start…

Stranger things have happened...

You could believe that the worse thing you could do is listen to the word of someone else, a stranger for that matter. They are not clairvoyant I hear you say. You could also believe that the worse thing you could do was take it for granted that you are not yet beyond your sell buy date, that your time hasn’t passed. I know where you are going with this, I hear you say, but I’m not convinced. Sorry, I’ve been there and done that.
Humor me this one time. Say you listen to this stranger and it works out as he says, I’m not saying it will but just say it does. You would be one step richer, one step closer to fulfilling your happiness. Or say you change your mind and accept that you may not have seen it all. That the trials, tribulations and the heartache are still just worthwhile for one more time to see things to the end. You just never know it may be your time, your place and your day.
There I say though, be wise but not in your conceit for that which has been is now and that which is yet to come has already been. If there is vanity in everything that we do then you just never know…

Get in line sinner I was here first!

He took the dictionary and smashed it hard on the table shattering the glass beneath and scattering the beads that lay in the saucepan. He turned, reaching and then looking for it. He was moving, snatching the phone and throwing it violently against the wall listening to the sound of breaking metal as the fury burned within his soul.
‘I am flawed,’ he whimpered, breathlessly. ‘I am indeed truly flawed.’
And then he was on the ground grabbing his head in his hands and locking himself away from life as he had come to know it. The bars in his despair where closer than he could have ever imagined. The nights were longer, the waiting nauseating.
‘I can do this I know I can. Yet I fail to see the purpose as I am already there. This voice makes no sense, it comes with a penance that leaves me distraught. How do I do it, where do I start?’
Endless questions, time afforded, reasons. Yes! Reasons! They where there when one needed them but still they were difficult to accept. A man can do good when it serves its purpose. A man would sacrifice when he sees the benefit of it. Still what lies in a man’s heart is what he will do when he faces the truth. This is the tell of his darkest hour. On this day he will make a prayer. It can go many ways but here is one way.
‘Dear Father, what does this sinner tell thee that you do not already know. I have failed to comprehend the wisdom that you have shown me through the years. I have failed to hear thy voice when confronted with the truth. I am my penance when my lust overcomes me. I fear my wrath because it controls me. I fear my folly because it is my disguise. Guide this servant to hope and thy faith. Guide this servant to the riches of thy bosom. When a man faces the storm he should be able to cry out. Call to his maker and father and say forsake me not for my burden overwhelms me. I am thy son and need this break father. Grant me this wish and make my joy holy. I cannot tell what lies in my heart because this sin that I commit is new to me too. One thing I can promise is to uphold my end as your grace desires. I am the fool with needless words in this prayer. I am the beggar that steals from your table. I am shameless in my search for victory. I wish for those things that I know only you can provide. I am lost father and seek you more than ever. I am lost father as I seek a path of escape. Make my burden lighter and remove sin from my shores. Make my burden lighter and take away resentment from my bones. I need your help father and your aid in my plans. I am dead to this world and hopeless in promises. I lie, cheat and steal with false promises. Help me dear God for I have fallen from thy grace. This is the prayer of the fool that kneels before thee. Help this great sinner to find peace and good shelter. I ask this through your son our Lord and savior. I beg this through our lord Jesus Christ, Amen.’

Word for word...

I am not held captive by the body that surrounds my existence. On the contrary I know very well that I direct and tell it what to do and how to think. This has been the case from its inception even though it took us a while to get to this place. Today it listens to me, applauds my reality. It agrees, that I cannot succumb to its whims because I have its greater interest at heart. In this partnership we share a bond. I say we must go through the valleys, some darker than others and then crawl through the thickened verges to emerge as one.
There have been those days when I have seen this body of mine collapse in a heap, broken and despondent and there are other times when I have seen it race through time. Neither occasion has changed me. Unlike this body of mine I do not age or become shaded by my experiences. Instead I learn more of its world so that I can help it more to succeed amongst its own. It’s a funny thing my job, I learn more to help that which uses me without its knowledge. It is not a fair partnership but I’m not complaining because I am rewarded far greater than it for my purpose and service.
I have to say that I am dumbstruck at times when I’ll be insisting to this entity of what will come to pass. I shall tell it repeatedly and be ignored with insolence. Eventually I will see it bawling or moaning as it does and I shall ask myself why it fails to heed the voice of one that has direct access to privileged information. In its world they say I cannot talk about myself this way because I am one with it and what we share should be as one. I’m done with all the niceties.
The fact is I am the life of this body that surrounds me. It will perish but I wouldn’t. I am not its doubts or its uncertainties. Neither am I the fears or failures its feels. It does all that by itself with something called a brain. That which beats rapidly in its chest cannot overcome who I am, for I cannot be physically exchanged. Neither can I be measured on a scale crafted by other bodies similar to the one I live in. My name is spirit and I am here for eternity whether in this reality or the other.

Ring Leader

All along I thought this inferred I was responsible. That what I had started, created would have a rippling effect and make others follow in my footsteps. It began with a phone call I received on a Saturday morning. It was simple,
‘You are needed,’ followed by ‘the client has asked for you.’ However nothing is ever that simple as it seems.
I gave this some thought and decided that this was my opportunity to ask for those that needed more than I. Their complaints had kept me awake for many nights as I tried to figure out a way for them. Now it was their turn to get something back.
‘I cannot help you, unless you pay for overtime. I have told you on several occasions that this is what the team needs. You have failed to listen. I can’t help.’
I had made my stand. I was taking the mantle, standing up for what I believed in and hopefully those that needed the most would profit from my bravery.
‘Wrong time and wrong place to be asking this of me. You must go to site. We can talk about this another time.’ Was the reply.
‘Perfect timing I guess since as you never listened before. If you need me I would need verbal consent that you would adhere to our terms, that’s the best I can do.’ I said the words through gritted teeth. They would taste like bitter tablets in his mouth but in due time he would know what I had done for him.
After an hour of hurling stones between shores our battle subsided and my wish was granted. I did not need the money but others did. I was setting a precedence that would make change inevitable. This was what was required to keep the boat afloat.
Two months later in a meeting when the crises had reached a level beyond comprehension, I was put to trial for my endeavors. Oh don’t get me wrong I had earned recognition. Even got promoted to the top but still some situations are just bad no matter what you do.
Anyway in the trial I stood firm, believing that I had stood up for what was right, justice for those that needed. And as every trial goes there have to be witnesses and mine were supposed to be the needful. Naturally I looked to them to follow my lead make us stronger and we shall all be winners. There was no one behind me. They had scampered behind excuses and let me rot before management. They had too much to lose, they had family and everyone else to take care of. It was better to be poor but keep the little they hung on to.
There was a lesson to be learned from this experience. Leadership was about sacrifice, knowing that you did what you did selflessly without personal profit because in the end there were no guarantees that your time or effort put in would be rewarded as expected.

Friend or Foe..

I will make you a better writer the Lord said to me. First I would take everything that matters away from you. This is not a test although it would seem like one. This would feed you emotion and compassion in your words and thoughts. When you feel helpless you will need love and kindness from others. When this passes your words would ring beauty and there would be peace.
Next I would take away the good health you so closely standby. This you relied upon, to do those things that come naturally. You will walk miles and feel like you are crawling. You will run lengths and feel like you’re drowning. As the weight of this shadow crosses thy path you will feel wisdom and add this to your words. Without this wisdom you cannot return to what you have written. You cannot read without feeling a sense of elation. This is my second treat to bring you to life. You have been punctured yet stand to be counted.
Now I would take something else that matters to you. This is the curse and disease you live by. I would take victory, your words and your vision. This will be your blindness and cross to bear. It is a crown of thorns that separates you from the others. It is at this point that you will turn to me and cry:
‘Father I hate my life and this wretched feeling. My ores are wrecked in this boat of despair. Give me a break and don’t make me forsake you. I am but human and need spirit to live.’
You will think you are at the end when these words escape you. Then I would answer your prayer as I always do:
‘Fear not my child I have reserved something for you. Your term is completed sooner than you think. I am not the enemy but a friend indeed.’