What I feel with both hands in the air is not victory. What I feel with both hands in the air is not loss. What I feel with both hands in the air is wonder. I can’t look back because I know no answers lie there. I choose moments, places and times to come as each song reaches my core and opens a new vacuum. I am the voyager, the stranger, the wind that blows in every direction, in your direction. I am no one and I am me. I know that this feeling is strength because having been here so many times before victory was never too far off in the distance. Come dance with me, be my shadow and feel the strangeness of my land. Pause, feel it now, do you? You are walking, moving, dancing. That’s it! Run with me, fly, feel your arms, wave in the air. It’s the beat, it speeds up and then slows down. Get the rhythm, feel it in your limbs, then slowly let it reach your heart, now it’s in your mind and then it’s you! Yes it’s you, no more me I was long gone my time is over. It was a passing moment, a fleeting instant when I was me, that part in you that lighted the room.
Oh, the cavalry! How dare you interrupt my odyssey? Don’t you know what it takes to reach this place, this void, this moment? Ah, how can you? Where art thou, Oh Lord? How far art thou dear Lord? Well perhaps you are in front of me, no behind me, that’s wrong too, you are within. Yes you are eternal light, my redeemer, my messiah, my gift. You are my direction, my hope and my life. There they go, they run from us in fright, they haven’t seen us, heard us. Have we been silent, I doubt it but how does our voice surface in these times, in these extremities. Ah! There they go the lights, the streets, the cars, what they call reality, every path leading to an adjourning path that leads to another, endlessly. I’d like to follow, love to but can’t keep up, there are so many.
How can I forget Lord? It was Paris 1999 when they pulled up. Then I was in my prime another time and another place I can’t even remember what I ordered. Was it soup, I guess it was. Hand on chin, eyes facing a grey sky darkened by shadows, words of solitude, heart of warmth, fingers that cringe as they type. I have again risen from the dead to be who I was meant to be. I am Cephas, I am the truth and I am the better part of me. I am back.
‘You called and I am here, what’s the matter beloved?’ Cephas asks.
‘Felt a little low today, I needed you,’ I reply.
‘I’m here now what can I do?’
‘I am having one of those days when you need something to happen, just something to make you feel alive.’
‘You are alive. Explain.’
‘I badly need some form of comfort here, something, anything.’
‘You have forgotten then.’
‘The twenty five.’ Cephas replied.
‘The twenty five?’ I ask.
‘Yes, and don’t pretend you don’t know who I mean, tell them now.’
‘Who would believe me, where do I start, I haven’t got the credentials, no name, nothing.’
‘You have me, you have him, you have the Father, that’s a good place to start.’
‘But what would they think of me.’
‘Not your call, the Father’s.’
‘Is that it?’ I ask.
‘That’s it. And please don’t call me again, by now you should know what to do,’ Cephas snaps and is gone and I am left again alone with you. Well, this is what he meant by the twenty five.
On Thursday 18th February 2010, I received this note from Canon Michael Ainsworth of St. George-in-the-East in London:
I don't know where you are based, but our congregation at St George-in-the-East (in Tower Hamlets, about a mile east of the Tower of London) is very small - usually about 25 adults - and I suspect it would not be worth your while coming here to promote your book at a Sunday service. Nor do we at present have any other suitable opportunities during the week. I think you would fare better at other churches with larger numbers!
However, if despite this, and you live locally, you wish to come and meet the congregation (who are a very mixed bunch in every way!) with copies of your book, you could perhaps say a few words over coffee after the service (which I would flag up in the sermon).
I agreed to go despite the numbers. I knew there was no chance of a book sale but I felt it was my duty to accept this invitation and share my experience.
Now it just so happens that during this period I had been reading the bible continuously as I often do, don’t ask me why, its routine, it strengthens my faith, my spirit and what I write. It just so happens that I was reading the book of Ezekiel. It just so happens that on the Sunday morning that I decided to attend this particular church to introduce my new book, Eli this is what I read:
‘Moreover the spirit lifted me up and brought me unto the east gate of the Lord’s house, which looketh eastward: and behold at the door of the gate five and twenty men; among them Jaazaniah the son of Azur, and Pelatiahthe son of Benaiah, princes of the people.’
The spiritual world is treasure waiting to be discovered if you follow your heart rather than the noises of despair around you. My visit to this church was eventually published on the internet as I later discovered in this article. I owe the Lord many things, we all do.