Loose end...

You won't find me looking. I would avert my eyes in that moment, that instant just when you gaze in my direction, that way you can't tell the truth about me.
You won't know I care either because when you say the right things, do the right things I'd stay aloof, rebuke you and even run away. Call me coward, still you won't be able to tell whether I care.
I won't come to you either. When you call, when you need me, when you push everyone away and desire only me to be by your side, I'd run far far away and stay hidden from your sight. This way you would know the truth that it is over and give up as I wish you to.
You won't believe what I have done to you, you'd question my actions over and over again and still find no answers that give you peace and in turn I'd make sure that I'm not available. I would be just out of reach, so near and yet so far that there is no chance of us ever being together in order to torture and frustrate you.
Still all is not lost for there is one thing I cannot control and that is your feelings for me. If you are true to them, believe in them and trust your heart then I would return. The truth is I won't come because you called, now would I come because you sought me. I won't come out of pity nor because others say I should. I would come because you believe in me and this is something I cannot control. Take it from me in spite of what others say be true to your heart and I would return in my own good time. Surely you haven't forgotten I am the loose end in your life. I am Love.

The way, the truth and the light...

When we took our seats in the restaurant she was silent.
"How do you know this?' she asked.
" I don't. I see the path and follow it and then it gets me there. Then I know it was what I was meant to do."
"Yes, but how do you trust it? I mean this path you talk of?" she enquired.
"Can't tell you that either. It's as if we exist for one another. It is opened before me and I walk it. It's as if we are responsible for one another's existence, the path and me."
Silence. In a noisy room with barmaids running after each new guest and the excited chatter of people coming, going and staying our table is like a graveyard.
"You're scaring me." She whispered.
"I'm scaring myself." I responded matching her tone and mood.
"Can you ever not be on the path?" she asked.
"That would mean I do not exist. I am present so the path must be present."
She took a deep breath and then folded her hands on her chest as she tried to read every tell sign I may have possessed. Suddenly she leaned forward and out of nowhere she demanded,
"Can I be there too? I mean can I be on the path?"
 This time her eyes were penetrating seeking answers and challenging me to them.
"You already are, you exist for it as it exists for you."
"Then how come I never knew of it until you just told me now," she said.
I paused before answering listening to the chatter around me. Evening was creeping through the fading sunlight, still this did not deter what was meant to be.
"It led you to me that's why we are together and you now ask me these questions."
She sat back in her chair relaxed and smiled.
" You are weird."
 

Now will I sing...

The thoughts of a man leadeth him to sorrow or to joy. The thoughts of a man are binding or releasing. The thoughts of a man deceive or bare truth, they are gain or loss.

The heart of a man leads him to his desires, it is the barometer that measures his aches or joys. The heart of a man can do one thing for him, tell him truly how he feels.

The spirit of a man is his one truth because when all is said and done, when loss or gain is surpassed and love or hate overcomes, it is all that is left in the end.

Your heart will show you your desires, your thoughts will bring forth these desires whether good or bad but in the end none of these would matter unless your spirit is in all of this.

Hmmnh... Now will I sing know the spirit of the man and you would know what he seeks and desires...

Wait a minute...

They said it would come at half four, I’ve been sitting here for hours on end and still no delivery. Still I know I made that order, I’m sure I got confirmation, my card details went in and I phoned to check so I’m sure it is due any time soon.

    Time lingers along and it’s now five. How could this be? I’ll check my email, I’m sure it was four they said. Minutes later, switches, lights, email, there I knew it -1600hrs! This means four in the afternoon, there, let’s check the date… got that right too, yet no delivery! I’ll call and see what happened.

    Time lingers along. Excuses, excuses, my goodness! Well I can live with this for a couple more days and I’ll be away tomorrow anyway so it isn’t so bad. I don’t have to sit here in despair waiting for it.

    Time lingers along. Things happen and I forget, the world changes, news, people, events and then another week. I call them. It is confirmed they will make delivery without fail on the Wednesday, this time it is AM delivery. Oh I like those for they rarely fail.

    Time lingers along. Dear me, I was just in the bathroom for a minute, I mean what is this world coming to. They came and left a note! Can you imagine, a note! Why didn’t they just wait a little bit for me, I had been sitting right there all morning and now this. Never mind at least I know that it would come. I just have to book it for next time.

    Time lingers along. Oh well it doesn’t matter now, next week I’m busy and the week after that I’m away they just have to bring it whenever they can. It serves them right. Blasted thing, who needs it anyway. Bell rings! Who is it? Ah it’s them. Grinning sheepishly as I receive the parcel. Finally, at last, my goodness, I’d almost given up hope. Oh well I guess in this life one has to be patient.

    Faith is the credit card that paid the bill. Hope is confirmation and receipt of payment. Patience is the virtue that in spite of all the mishaps that one may face what we desire is en route to us. To those who desire, make your order and do not give up on the service, all your wishes would come in good time. ‘Commit thy way unto the Lord;trust in him and he will bring it to pass…’

Dear BFF, we might just have to break up!

Dear BFF, 

It took me a while to figure out that the world was changing. The age of acronyms was superseding that of aphorisms. You could con a phrase, twist it one way and then the next and before long you were texting rapidly in an unknown language that had descended upon the horizon as if you’d walked into an apiary. You were either alienated from it or caught in the groove when you saw the new age people dancing in rhythm to this tune that you’d never heard before.

     I’ve got my own proclivities but who hasn’t. Now all I hear is OMG, LOL, BTW, I’m practically lost in this world most times as I need a translator to decipher code and explain to me what message I have just received. Still I’m not on a warpath here but seeking a détente. I’m willing to shake hands if this is restricted to text messaging. I understand it’s simple and easy to get one’s message out rapidly. However I draw the line at emails.

     BFF or otherwise, I say stop this madness else you won’t receive my reply because I just can’t be bothered.  

Yours truly

The relic

Window Shopping...

What I’m looking at is a small vase, the size of a button, how this was created is hard to imagine. What purpose it serves leaves me traversing boulevards, walking vineyards and humming to radio tunes one only remembers in a traffic jam. I’m not done yet with you a part of me cries still I’ve got a long day ahead of me so I shan’t tally but move on.

     I’m now standing before this next shop because it sells socks, not much to contemplate here. I should get some but what a drag. People should buy these things for us. There was a time when all I got for Christmas was a pair of socks. 1996 it was. Nothing mattered then because in that year, the one I had been waiting for walked out of the cold and into my life. Before then I had never liked holding hands but I was forced to from the moment I laid eyes on her. They say l’amour can play tricks with a man’s head, mine must have been singing anthems with the stars. I grew in statue that summer making even the ridiculous pair of socks for Christmas the ultimate gift a man could receive.

     Doesn’t time just fly by? It’s as if when I need to escape the noise and tussle of Beirut my radar always directs me to this spot. Horology serves its own purpose but for me it is how a great watch feels on my hand that counts. Why are they so expensive? Status I guess, still if this part of the shopping arena allows my innards to refuel than I’m not complaining. Just to let you into my world, the assistants here also make one feel important, they size you out for what you are looking at, ponder about what you can afford and dare I say challenge you to ask for a closer look. I love catching their eyes staring because they turn to retreat and allow me the freedom to explore and dream.

   A spot of lunch would do me good for the growling coming from my bowels but that’s the furthest thing from my mind, as I knew eventually I would end up here irrespective of where I started. First things first, book covers, designs they draw you in one after the other. What’s the message, who’s the author? It’s an art gallery here and I’ve decided to play the child and be coerced by what attracts the eye rather than the mind. I can’t make up my mind, I’d have to try the blurbs something’s got to give, there’s got to be something I can take home with me. Let’s see what could I use in my life now? No, please don’t teach me anything. My brain is too tired. Horror…a bit too gruesome for my mood, perhaps something lighter. Espionage…tempted? Well I got a great film just dying to be seen so…

    Bang, bang! There’s a knock at the door and I am woken from my reverie to discover that I haven’t left my room and I’m right there staring down the throat of Google and the vast space of the world wide web. When would I ever learn that to get some peace and quiet I need to step out of this house and do some proper shopping! 

Free for all...

The hardest thing to do sometimes is exposing what you know to others. What would they do with it? Would they abuse it or take it and become better than you? Isn’t it yours for keepsakes? I mean, common you worked so hard to get to where you are just for someone else to step in and count their blessings. After you have run through all the outcomes of what could happen, you then decide, perhaps I’ll share a little, not all but just enough, besides I have to keep something for myself, it’s fair isn’t it? 

    Say the first person you give that little to treats it well, makes the most of it. First you rejoice, then wonder, did I do the right thing? Still though what would they have done if I had shown them all. Perhaps I would have been ripping greater rewards…er, before you get ahead of yourself let’s consider the alternative. Say the first person you give that little to abuses it, dismisses the fragments of your hard work. Again you wonder, maybe I was right to give just a little, the evidence is in the outcome, you can’t argue with that. There is a flip side to this argument though. What if you had given more, how can you tell that they won’t do more with it, make the most of your hard earned labor.

    Finally you are at crossroads, you’ll get here eventually whether you like it or not because this place is unavoidable. Whilst you are scratching your head and planting imprints in your carpet you finally come face to face with your nemesis, the dreaded mirror. In this you can’t hide from yourself. It’s really down to what you can live with. I would go with my gut feeling when the time comes, I would give if I feel like giving and I won’t if I don’t feel like it. I mean that’s fair isn’t it? There I’ve made a decision so leave me alone!

    Things work out for a while as they always do until the time comes and your gut gets it wrong and this time your dustbin becomes the subject of your frustrations. Oh what the hell! Just another day, right? Wrong! Again and again and again, this gut of yours is something else. Just why can’t you get it right, at least just once? 

    Ah! If you have reached this place don’t sweat it we all do and would continue to in our lives. The fact remains that what we receive we do by grace and what we give we do so also by grace. Getting past the crossroads in our lives is by grace and this is one thing that is free for all…